I am furiously mad!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so angry !!!!!!! My blood is boiling !!!!!!!
I want to rant! I want to rave!
I have the urge to pull all my hair !!!
I am feeling so freaking damn snappy now!!!!!!!

Should I be forgiving and have a more open heart ?!?!?!?!?!?!
Should I actually be feeling happy for them NOW ?!?!?!?!?!?!
Maybe I should be elated and jumped crazyily with joy but I am feeling so confused now!!!!!

GODAMNIT !!!!!!!! FCUK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


My sister in-law went into labour and gave birth to a baby today at 8.15pm.
At 8.45pm, hubby received a call from my father in-law saying she had given birth and just wanted to let him know.
Both my father and mother in-law are now at the hospital.
WHAT BULLSH*T IS THIS ?????????

No doubt that we still heard the news but shouldn't my brother in-law be calling my hubby and tell him this good news???? For God's sake, my hubby is his ELDER BROTHER!
What the hell does he treat my hubby as ???? AN OUTSIDER ????

The way they treating us are like we are just SOME INSIGNIFICANT HUMAN BEINGS EXISTING IN THIS WORLD AND JUST THAT WE HAVE SOME BLOOD RELATION AND LEGALLY BINDING MARRIAGE LAWS!!!

Don't tell me that his brother was too overjoyed and only called his FATHER to tell him this freaking news! I bet my brother in-law called tons of HIS friends also!!!!!

Throughout her pregnancy period, I was really happy for her! When we met up, I was chatting happily with her about her baby and kept touching that tummy to feel any baby's movement. Both of them KNEW how I felt! I really wanted to feel happy for her but HOW SHOULD I BE FEELING HAPPY NOW !

What the hell! I am extremely exasperated!!!! I am so uptight!!!!

I feel so cast away.. so isolated from that family..

Deep down, I knew that my father in-law favoured my sister in-law a lot a lot. She have a much better qualification than me, she have a very sweet mouth and know how to please our father in-law and make him very happy. In fact, both she and her hubbby knew how to make him delighted! I'm just being me who don't know how to curry favour people.

When we went for family trip, my father in-law will brag and boast about my sister in-law's achievement to STRANGERS over dinner.. "She is from XXX , am now a XXX, she was awarded XXX, her so-and-so is XXX, very famous!"

Many times over family dinner, he will "XXX, eat this, XXX eat that" All his attention are just focus on her and her husband. I will sit there quietly enjoying my dinner while my hubby squeezed my hands. I felt hurt and invisible and basically transparent. Even my mother in-law came up to me and tell me not to mind what my father in-law did and that he is just such a person.

When my hubby and I were late for family dinner, my father in-law always face black black and they were already eating when we arrived. BUT when my brother & sister in-law were late, me and my hubby have to often wait for them to come and my father in-law always greeted them with a smile!!!!!!!

Should I be totally ok with this bullsh*t ?!?!?!

I knew I only had a Diploma, not a sweet talker and not jovial or talkative in front of them! I don't know what to say or what to do to make my father in-law so happy that he is over the moon. I am just an ordinary person surviving in this world! This is what I am when facing them! BECAUSE I WAS CONSTANTLY FEELING PROCRASTINATED AND I FELT I AM NOT EXISTING AT ALL !!

I reached my limit as a human being, as their "sister in-law", as a "daughter in-law". My inferiority complex is kicking in and I need to vent out. In their eyes, I am not considered a family member? In their eyes, is my status just still being a girlfriend ??? WHOM AM I IN THEIR EYES??

My hubby is mad mad mad too! He knew how my father in-law treats them and that's why he always didn't say too much stuff to them. But he can control his anger, I can't!!!!!!

My 5 years plus of frustration and feeling that I have bottled up is exploding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like crying now.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!